shitsurenjin

shitsurenjin @ 2009-10-23T03:35:00

2009-10-23T08:50:54Z

This weekend was certainly a wild one. I wish I would have gotten around to posting about it yesterday, but I was just way too tired to really focus on writing.

I'm not even really sure where to start. I suppose it is always reasonable to start at the beginning with such things.

Friday started out as a chilly morning and stayed that way. I don't know what the temp was down here nor up there, but I do recall it being certainly jacket weather. The dive to the airport was neat to say the least. There was this constant feeling of building excitement and anticipation. I remember getting a very comforting return upon me. Every now and then I have this mental notion which washes over me. The best way I can describe is it is to say that there are few moments in which I not only feel but recognize that I'm doing something called "living." There was this context which kept sneaking up on me the whole trip but certainly heavy on Friday morning. I couldn't shake the thought that I was in my mid 20's and leaving on a plane to see the girl whom I've loved for five years now. It was adventurous and a welcome change.

The stay at the airport was typical. Sitting and waiting has never been my strong suit. I don't think anything which requires patience has ever been a good thing with me. Once I got on the plane though, things certainly became less boring. I was seated next to a young woman, probably my age, who was returning home from an interview with UAB. It was sort of nice to be able to talk to someone I felt was also partaking in an adventure. Once take off occurred and we got up to altitude... it was just amazing. I couldn't see an end to the clouds on either side of the plane. The sun was just rising and was primarily obstructed behind a cloud formation due east. The pink and purple colors bursting from the horizon on top of the endless hills of clouds was "majestic" as I put it. It didn't even seem like I was looking down at clouds. It honestly looked like a never ending field of rolling hills covered in a fine powder snow. It was just a beautiful way to start out the trip.

Truth be told, I don't know if I've ever landed in O'Hare before. I know I've flown out of O'Hare several times, but I think this was the first time I've ever arrived there. I was sort of frantic trying to hurry up and get to my baggage claim. I had tried to call Emily as soon as the plane landed but couldn't get anything besides voice mail. It was then I realized... I had no idea where I was going to or was supposed to meet her. I figured the first order of business was grabbing my bag and taking it from there. I don't remember what was said; I really cannot for the life of me recall. I don't even know in the moment if I really recognized the words spoken. All I recall was hearing a voice and turning to see what was going on. It was then I saw her and that enveloping smile. If I had to explain it, the only thing I could say would be this; my heart fluttered then stopped. Three years had been too long, and finally seeing her made me question why I never said anything before hand.

That first hug again was something I don't ever want to forget, let alone the first kiss and hearing her say she loved me as I stood before her. Even though it may not say too much considering it wasn't but a few days ago, I remember that embrace and moment vividly. I honestly hope it never leaves me. I feel stupid though. If you were to ask me... I doubt I could even recall what she was wearing. I couldn't take my eyes off her face long enough to notice lol. I remember it was sweater like? lol... I'm terrible at times. But again, to be fair, I was to busy paying attention to those eyes of hers and hanging off every time her lips moved. I really could stare at her for hours.

In fact, the more I write this the more I see how this is just going to boil down to me rambling about her lol. I doubt she'd mind that *laughs* Anyway...

We left the airport and had to stop by her place. The reason why I kept getting the voice mail and cause for panic was due to her forgetting her phone at home that morning. (AND my chocolate MILK which I never got) We ran back to her place and then stopped by a couple of places before getting breakfast at Denny's. I know it's simple of me, but getting to cuddle next to her and eat a meal... our first meal together... so nice... so fucking nice. We left Denny's and made our way out to James' apartment. We hung out there for a while before she had to head to work. It sucked to have to see her go that afternoon,especially since I just got her back near me, but it had to happen.

The day out with James was interesting. Neko came with us and I got to experience a few reasons why I don't want to live in Chicago. I got to experience getting gas in the city, looking for a gas station in the city, driving in the city, and the people of the city. If you've never had the pleasure... go do it. Go fucking do it right now. Nothing will make you remove all desire to live in a major city more than that. lol The trip to the museum was pretty freaking fun. I wish I HAD my camera to have taken more pictures that day. Turns out, my wonderful girlfriend, who knew where I was going, failed to think that such an item may have been a good idea. *glare then giggles* Well... oh well. I guess her and I will have to go together at some point to make up for it. James tried to get me to the signing with Guy Davis, but since we drove, it was just too much of a pain in the ass to try and park. I wish I could have met him, but there will be other chances I'm sure. Oh... about the museum, it turns out children are better at submarine simulators than James and I. We killed everyone. It happens.

The rest of the night was pretty standard behavior for James and I. We threw down on some Soul Calibur and goofed off. I remember falling asleep here and there waiting for Em to get off of work and to come over. When she did finally show up though.... heh heh... stuff. AND moving on!!

Saturday was a pretty snazy day. It was nice to get to see dad again. He's looking really good. I was surprised that his wife came with him, but I suppose it was ok. She seems to hate me less and less each time we see each other. Dad really seemed to take to Emily and I believe his statement later that day on the phone was "She seems like a real keeper; don't let go of this one." That one little statement really made my day. We also met up with Steve at one of the Acen staff meetings. He looks British. I'm not sure exactly how to clarify that. The guy just looks British. There was a highlight of making him seemingly uncomfortable, unfortunately I was just causing back pains instead as I latched on to him.

After the visit at the Acen meeting her and I went to the mall to meet up with Dave and his friend. They were both a couple of fun cats and the dinner was fantastic. God the food up there is good but expensive lol. We hung around them for a while and perused the mall briefly before heading back to James' apartment. This is another moment where I will skip over details... la la la la la

Sunday came way too fast. By this point I was so freaking tired. The church service was nice and fairly typical. Opinionated guy stands before masses and rambles out seemingly coherent things. I will say this... that church is up there with the one Cid took us too. It may be worse even. After church her and I went and had lunch just the two of us. We both knew what was coming but we tried not to pay attention to it. We just sat having a discussion about 90's cartoons causing the Emo teen movement... lol. After a small trip to the pet store we stopped back by her place where her mother and I had a brief conversation. What I can is this, I apparently have not lost my nack with the parental units.

The drive back to James' was an annoying one. Each passing event on Sunday kept banging away in my head with the constant realization that time was passing too quickly. We packed my stuff up and I said my goodbyes to James. He apparently felt the need to say his own special goodbye to Em. There is a blurry picture of me mounting him on his bed for one last hug. After that it was off to the movie. Now, at first, I didn't want to waste time seeing a movie. I wasn't going to be in town that long to begin with, but after she got Sunday off too, it seemed like the thing we had to do. I can't really say much about Where the Wild Things Are. Not because it was good or bad, but because I was paying too much attention to the beautiful girl snuggled up with me. It was a cute movie and one I'll probably always remember, but I was distracted.

The check in to the hotel for the night was pretty painless. That damn thing was soooo much nicer than the one I work at, which bothers me. Her and I spent the next 6ish hours just lounging around and enjoying each others company. We watched some tv and swapped some music off my external for her.... other stuff.

What sucked was about 2:30am Monday Oct 19th 2009. That fucking sucked. I didn't want to let her go. I would have gone to great lengths to not have to have done such a thing. I heard her start to cry and that was about it for me. I started to tear up and we had to fight to keep composure. That was probably one of the hardest things I've had to do in my entire life. Sadly, it's a moment I will have to relive several times in the next coming year.

O'Hare was a nightmare... it was O'Hare. had it not been for the conversation with James after she left the hotel, I probably would have passed out and not made it to the flight on time. In fact, I actually passed out in the terminal for about 45mins while waiting to board. I remember getting in my seat and being actually comfortable. I vaguely remember take off and then I was gone. I didn't even bat an eye until the captain came over the speakers and said we were on final approach. By the time I got home from school and fully settled in, I crashed harder than I've done in a long time. The only highlight was hearing her voice again when she called after getting off work that night. I almost cried instantly. It had already felt like a week since I had left, and I was missing her incessantly.

So yeah... that was the weekend. Documented for memory... or something. This is probably the one thing or time in my life I really could talk about for hours in detail but not here. I miss her. I miss her so freaking much. I'm very lucky to have her love; that thought will never leave me.

Balancing act...

2009-10-15T10:42:12Z

I get to leave here soon.
I get to see her soon.
I get to hold her in my arms soon.
I get to laugh with her soon.

How am I not going to go crazy?

Friendly Fire.

2009-10-13T11:28:28Z

Who, What, When, Where, Why, and How

That certainly sounded good at the time.*inhales deeply then yawns* This morning presents me with two choices. I could go home and try to get some note cards and studying done for Japanese, fall asleep, sleep well, and then get up for work. I could also go to school early, sit there for nearly 3 hours, be tired as hell for my Japanese class, go home, not get any good sleep, and wake up for work. I'm really thinking, considering where this math class and test sit in my mind, I may end up going with the first option. I obviously don't want to go home and straight to bed as I would be up too early that way. However, if I can stay focused and get some note cards and study time in, I think it will end up being the better choice as far as all of my grades go. It also means when I have to stay out at school till nearly 2pm tomorrow, I won't fall asleep driving home lol. (Not that I would anyway but still)

Holy crap it's Tuesday! Wed will be here before I know it. I'm pretty sure tomorrow will drag the fuck on to no end. Thursday shouldn't be so bad. I'll be tired all day and constantly scrambling. I actually have a feeling Thursday will fly by quickly.

I can't complain completely. The last four weeks have completely vanished to me. Soaked with long conversations and little sleep, they drifted by quietly. She has caused irrevocable changes in my life these last 5 weeks.... let alone 5 years. She lets me know I'm not a lone. She will always be there to take my hand in hers. I know I'm supposed to be the man of the relationship, but my strength shines because of her. She is the confidence and I am the will. She says "it can be done", and I nod and begin to push.

The last week has been rough. A great deal of uncomfortable subjects have been brought to light, and at several turns, despite what some would claim, we've faced some really tough issues. However, with her, all of those things seem so small and dismissible. I won't hide from it; there have been moments where I've felt very weak and exposed. I believe her and I probably both have. However, it only takes a moment of concentration to stand back up and to walk past the issue at hand. I don't know if it's her, I, or the two of us, but we have the ability to face things and not back down. That is something in which to be grateful.

Letting her out of my arms reach in a few days will be the second hardest moment of my life. The first, was not telling her how I felt 3 years ago.

What it's like...

2009-10-11T10:48:38Z

Consuming me, swirling around deep beneath, this feeling stretches out inside. It saturates me, swelling from the core to my pores. Nothing explains its presence. Rationalization does not provide any shielding or comfort. My eyes grow heavy, and my pulse steadily declines, time to fall endlessly inward.

Tonight is just one of those nights. I think the day started out this way. I woke up and realized the computer was not on. The fans don't run particularly loud or anything, but their absence could be detected and that startled me. I knew what my computer being off meant; it meant I wasn't receiving any random words from her heart to mine. How something so small can set you down a path of misery is beyond me.

Days or nights like these inform me how much of a whore I am for her. It is as if my very days are spent only the balancing point of her attention. Perhaps it is the other way around. Maybe I'm not satisfied because she isn't hanging on mine. Is there really any way of knowing? I thoroughly doubt it.

This position is new, unpredictable, concerning, and amazing all at once. I feel driven, deeply propelled, to justify or categorize my jealousy. It isn't so simple as to just acknowledge its existence. No, I have to know where it comes from. James believes that I'm just dealing with the concept of value for once. He could certainly be right. It isn't as if I would know enough to argue.

That could be my reason for not succumbing to constant panic. Somewhere deep down, I know that this makes a natural sense of sorts. I love her, no doubting. Since it's love, not a mere obsession, then it has to derive from the natural human desire to wan tot protect and keep that which you have. We just haven't learned such an option to be out of our control.

"Knowing something will happen is not near as powerful as witnessing it transpire."

Give to me

2009-10-09T10:13:50Z

The hours come and pass
Captured in this tiny glass
Monuments of what will be
Laid before all to see
Emotion births endless light
No fear of approaching night
In this garden we will grow
An endless life us to know
I give to you heart and hand
With you I'll forever stand
Come with me and runaway
Happiness till the very last day.

Think clearly...

2009-10-08T08:54:06Z

and breath easy, tomorrow has not yet come, and today has not yet finished. There is much to do and little reason to wait. What action can be taken now should be started. The progression of much is hindered by few.

*sighs*

I look back on many things in my life and wonder "why?" I don't know why I attempt to justify, rationalize, and quantify things which have little to no answers to provide. It bothers me greatly that I cannot fathom the real depth of honesty. I had a conversation with James which had it's benefits, but in the end, I believe it really didn't settle things with me.

After all those years doing things freely, doing whatever whenever I wanted on whims, I worry about my actions. Is such a brilliant liar every truly honest? I not only hope so; I believe so. It pains me to know I have to constantly watch myself. It's just something I have to do. I am certainly lucky she's there with me to help me through it.

She is the only thing in my life I've ever had confidence in. I look at this relationship, and no matter the thought that hits me, I don't care. I can't avoid certain things. I can't avoid being jealous about certain things from her past, I can't avoid being shameful about my own, and I can't do anything about removing all other possible concerns. What I can do is remember that what was "then" doesn't matter, and what "will come" will not be faced alone.

It's easy to say "I wish this..." and "I wish that..." There is a definite tragedy about how life works. We can look at the future and think of things we would like to happen, but it is the past in which we suffer the most. We know the certainties which will always remain there, forever unchanging, forever unyielding to us. I've spent much of my life tangled, at wits end, struggling to overcome those things. For once, I'm tired of doing so. I'm tired of pushing this mountain.

There are moments which we must experience to overcome great challenges. We often hope for an epiphany, that one beautiful moment of clarity, which will wash away all lack of understanding. We find ourselves doing all we can to force such a moment. It is easy to do. We can stare at something, any option which may be the foci, and hope that it will bestow on us the relief we seek. I stare at that damn picture hoping the same thing. I gaze upon with eyes that cry out to let loose their tears. I cannot stop doing so. It's a self inflicted pain I convince myself I have to endure. Why? I don't really know. I'm hoping it will tell me.

Bah, I'd say I talk to much, but I'm not entirely convinced I'm ever really saying anything.

Tough

2009-10-06T16:34:16Z

Moments like these are difficult to say the least. You sit not knowing what to do. You sit not knowing if there is anything to be done. You have to force yourself to concentrate on the elsewhere. It isn't just the walls in your room you must escape; you must also somehow find a way out of the maze that is your mind. Nothing is safety in this pace, not like this.

Tough as it may be, you have to find a way to stand up and move forward. Stand up and look around at the things which lay at your feet, that which resides above your head, and that which surrounds you in ever direction. Somewhere there is a course which will lead to somewhere better, and in that course there is nothing but salvation from these things which lurk among you. Never should we expect the path to be clear for the paths which are always so clear and simple are honey traps laid before us.

I will do all that I possibly can. I will willingly do that which is asked in quiet whispers, silent prayers, and the every deafening silence. Today is one of those days. It is one of the days where I cannot hear anything, and everything seems slanted. My mind cannot focus on what it needs to be directed toward, and my eyes cannot seem to focus on anything in front of me.

Today is tough.

In her hands...

2009-09-25T09:35:59Z

I've never really been happy with someone else before. All of my relationships have felt incomplete and lacking. Even during sex there was an absence. I don't know when it started, but for a long time, it has been something of which I'm painfully aware. This relationship I have now with Em is nothing like the others. That not only makes me extremely happy, but it scares me at the same time.

I was rummaging though some logs from a few years ago. I came across a conversation I had with Jeanine from back then. In the conversation I stated how "there is nothing in my life I couldn't walk out on in 30 seconds flat." These years later, I shudder to think of how I was back then. It bothers me to know that, at the time, those words weren't for show. I really meant such things.

People seemed so replaceable in those days. I was so lost to not only my own abuse but abuse laid down upon me from others. Sadly, I took every ounce of it from every angle and kept asking for more. There is a sense of relief though. I believe that it's better for me to have gone though it then, to have survived and overcome, so that today I know better. After all of those years, I have finally equated everything down to where it should be. I understand now they whys, the hows, and the whens.

Understanding such things does not bring comfort though. It still saddens me at times to know the price of such knowledge. Such experiences and education have come at such a steep price, unforeseen and unfathomable. That all being said, it is important for me to remember that none of it was in vain. The friends I lost weren't really friends to begin with. The friends I kept were the ones worth having. The experiences I lived guided me to a better creation of a person, wiser, stronger, and more determined. The failed relationships helped shape a greater image inside me, showing the amazing partner I could be.

Nothing that did happen shouldn't have. Perhaps it is presumptions of me, but I have a sense of security in declaring that it all led to this point, and in this position with her is where I was meant to be. This was the road I was following all this time. This was the path I was taking to the arms I'm now awaiting. Nothing pains me now except my inability to be near her, to smell her, and to feel her embrace. However, it is a pain I am glad and willing to bear.

No one single person has ever brought me so much ease, and no one person as ever made me feel so confidant as a man. I am under no delusion that things will be easy and effortless. I have shed away all my childhood fantasies of easy living and handed grace. I'm aware that work is the only way to achieve, and for her I will work until my body can not longer move, and then I'll work some more. Nothing has ever inspired more confidence in me than the thought of her hand being the one in mine while I face the difficulties of life. It is her hand I wish to hold on the bad days just as equally as I wish to told it on the good.

I could go on and on for hours about her, but I won't. She knows how she makes me feel because she can look in her self and see the effect I have on her. Knowing for once that there is that equal level of connection between another person and myself is a well of inspiration which never runs dry.

Swirlling about. . .

2009-09-24T06:11:38Z

Past Regrets and Their Many Friends

In my head you sit and pout
Cutting deep causing doubt
You're happiness my lonely cost
Certainly you are lost
My pain your dirty pleasure
My fear your only treasure
Find solace there in desuetude
From now on I'm done with you

I'll never be free of them, but I can do much to remind myself of what they are. The only power they could have is power I would bestow upon them. Alone, in their form, they have nothing. Only after feeding and nurturing do they take a shape of power and hunger. I know this. I know this all too well. I will not permit it this time. This time, their power will not manifest. It will not drive a wedge in my soul. Instead it will only strengthen my resolve. It will become the stitches which close wounds not the knife that opens them.

There will always be many things we wish to change. There will always be a discomfort which we cannot hide from. However, we can find a sense of being which can allow us to stand ready and face them. Unflinching, we can stare in the mirror, looking deep at the ugliness and disease inside our soul, and refuse to sway. If our greatest enemy is ourselves, my battle is going to be long and ardious. I will not lose this time. I have too much to lose and someone who is more valuable than all riches the world could offer.

I could wish to be stronger already. I could wish this fight didn't have to take place, but to do so would only be a cowards cry for absolution. There is no honor in never facing an opponent. If I am able to argue either side fluidly then there is no reason to fall victim to the weaker. My satisfaction of the matter has been met. Now all that is left is do dispatch the remains, and prepare for any other visits.

Emily has given me a voice to which I've never found alone. While no future is certain, it is clear that the present was written beautifully. Whatever past has long passed. There is no need to focus on such things when such an impressive road of future lays invitingly before you. The memories we have of "when and then" may always remain, but their value is only based on that which has not come. We should never forget that. It is what we can still do which always hold a sense of hope and adventure. As I continue down this path, I know undoubtedly, the hand that travels with me is one that I certainly will never let go. My love and happiness is intertwined with her very essence, and I should never fear nor find myself ashamed of what it took to get to this, for either of us... never.

truth be told

2009-09-16T21:01:25Z

Sometimes the hardest part of anything in a day is deciding what music to listen to. Currently, I'll settle with Al Green - Love and Happiness.

Am I focused or not focused enough? The last few weeks have been amazing. I can not put into words that which has washed over me. I'm constantly sitting thinking that I need to do be doing more. As of late, there doesn't seem to be enough hours in the day. Time is actually going by rather quickly despite the lingering sensation of waiting.

I once said that I could never stop moving. No matter what was ever obtained, the job wasn't done. I can't let my thoughts run away from me right now. I cannot cloud my judgment. There is a great deal of work for me to be doing. School doesn't have much of my focus right now, and that is a very important thing. That is completely my fault though. It always has been that way with me. My mind always moves so fucking fast that I can't keep up.

I guess my ability to manage time has always been a problem. Then again, "my ability" should be changed to "my complete lack of skill."

*laughs* I suppose considering what has been going on recently, there is little to no wonder why I've been running out of time. School has always been like that with me. I always thought there was more time to do something, more time to work on something. Actually, life has always been like that for me. I have so many things I want to do in a day. I easily get overwhelmed with them all.

Between school, work, homework, talking to her, and the fleeting moments which turn to hours, on top of all the little things, I get completely lost. I'm noticing my bad habit early this year. I'm going to need to keep on top of it. I can't let it get out of hand again. I need to be making the best out of my time at work. There are tons of little things I could and should be doing to stay one step a head. I have such a bad habit of only working when the work is upcoming instead of preparing ahead of time.

I have to learn how to balance better. I need to be more responsible with everything. I have to keep stepping forward. I have to do this for myself and for her. I can't stop now. Just because I have her as I do does not mean that I'm done. There is still a lot of work to be done. I cannot lose focus on that and merely drift in and out of day dreams, swooning about as I do.

I have been given an important position and respecting it properly must be done. I love her, and in her presence is where I long to be.

So out of it....

2009-09-16T11:34:33Z

I slept like complete shit last night. I don't know why it was so bad. I woke up constantly. I believe at first my sub conscience was worried about her making home. After that though, I have no clue why I kept waking up.

My dreams were pretty neat though... from what I can remember. I'm a little tired currently, but it's nothing too bad. I'm still going to go running this morning.

The last few days have seen some even more drastic changes as far as I'm concerned. This topic of her moving down next year has me all wrapped up. I'm both anxious and nervous at the same time. I hope that it does happen, but part of me is worried about it as well. I've had a lot of people let me down in my life. It's something I've done my best to deal with. So despite how I feel about her, how I love her, I can't ignore my typical defense mechanisms. Well, that isn't entirely true. The notions show up and quickly leave. I don't dwell on them, but I would be lying if I said there was never a moment of doubt. The doubt just doesn't linger around for a cup of tea or anything.

I completely understand her reservations. I often lose sight of how my life has transpired. I don't know many decisions I ever really conscientiously paid attention to. I had two options, and I took whichever choice seemed like it kept me surviving longer. I can't honestly say many decisions were made in the last 8 or 9 years which were actually based on "happiness". I do know in the last 3 years I have made decisions which were focused around doing better in my life, but when I was 16-18, decisions were about survival.

I can see where in her situation, this is a very complex and scary decision. She said that this will be the first real life changing decisions she'll have ever made for herself. As much as I would like to comfort her on this choice, I know it's something only she can do. I can try to be supportive, but in the end, only she can actually bring her self to being confidant or secure with this sort of decision. Silly as it may be, it leaves me feeling a bit helpless in all of this.

I want things to go well with her and I. I've always adored her, envied her, and looked at her with eyes of wanting. I would love to be the one who makes her happy for the rest of her life. At this point in time, I just have to wait and not fuck things up. Another new thing for me to do lol.

Question yet recieved

2009-09-13T10:56:34Z

I could ask a million of them. I could ask how someone so flawed, so incomplete, so disconnected, so untrustworthy, so cold, so abused, so damaged, could ever be loved so deeply. She puts all worries to rest in a way that can only be described as magical. Her imperfections only increase her appeal. Her quirks are what make her better than anyone else. Her ability to make me smile and want to cry are seductive. She is that work of art which breaks your heart to look at. You can only stare and know that there has never been something so beautiful and never will there be anything better.

I've lived a questionable life indeed. I have done things in which I am surely not proud. She strips me of all that shame, that worry, and that disgust and washes me clean of it all. Her hands are the gift of life itself. If ever there was air worth breathing, she brings it in to this world. This situation here, these moments given, are the ones I know life exists for.

"It's like being in an endless sea of calm."

It really truly is that sensation. My excitement is kept at a steady pace. My breathing is precise and calculated. I am just enveloped in a sense of surreal. I know that morning will be the toughest morning of all. Looking at my watch and counting down the minutes will take every ounce of sanity I have. Thirty-three days seems like a life time, but it's a life time I'm willing to expend. It's a life time I'm willing to pay to see her again, to hold her, to love her.

I am happy.

Sao Paulo

2009-09-10T09:29:56Z

"My life's just one big cliche"

Morcheeba shouldn't be so good. There really should be a law which states that once a band/group/artist/singer rises to a certain level, everyone must pay respect to said person.

I love music. I love motorcycles. I love fun cars. I love her. I'm happy.

Seriously though, things are going correctly. I looked at Derrek the other day and said "Ok... wtf is going to happen? Someone is going to hit my car today aren't that!?!" He sorta laughed about that. Usually, when things are going well, something really dumb and stupid happens. More often than not, what ends up happen is expensive.

However, as it stands right now, I've got my cherished car, a good steady income, school is going pretty good, and I have a beautiful young woman to call my own. I've got to be dream, but if I am, don't ever wake me up. The shock would probably kill this already stressed brain of mine.

She's everything and then some. Life is good.

Tonight, Tonight

2009-09-09T10:41:10Z

This now holds a great deal of meaning to me. This was an amazing evening where I needed to go no where to enjoy. I hope to and endless sea filled with more nights like tonight.

Time is never time at all
You can never ever leave
Without leaving a piece of youth
And our lives are forever changed
We will never be the same
The more you change, the less you feel

Believe
Believe in me
Believe... BELIEVE

That life can change
That you're not stuck in vain
We're not the same
We're different tonight

Tonight, so bright
Tonight, tonight

And you know you're never sure
But you're sure you could be right
If you held yourself up to the light
And your embers never fade
In your city by the lake
The place where you were born.

Believe
Believe in me
Believe... BELIEVE

In the resolute urgency of now
And if you believe there's not a chance tonight

Tonight, so bright
Tonight

We'll crucify the insincere tonight
We'll make things right, we'll feel it all tonight
We'll find a way to offer up the night tonight
The indescribable moments of your life tonight.
The impossible is possible tonight
Believe in me as i believe in you...

Tonight
Tonight, tonight
Tonight, Tonight

Living inside the dream bubble.

2009-09-04T05:30:07Z

Drift well my children. Let the cool night breeze and glimmering star lights take you to where endless begins. In the velvet embrace of sleep cost gently on clouds of peace and love. May your wishes be found there among the ever enveloping touch of hope. For tonight, all you want may be received, and that which needs to be given shall be sent. This is my gift to you. Use it well, and forever be at one with all things good and righteous.

Touching home.

2009-09-03T10:51:43Z

To this day, I can still be blindsided by that which should have been transparent. When these things happen, I always find myself to be slightly upset with myself. It seems I still have a way to go when it comes to identifying those notions.

I spoke with her for over five hours tonight. Without a doubt, it was the most enjoyable thing I've done for a long time. There are those moments which reveal a new light and side of life you either never knew or never believed to exist.

While this isn't the first time, this one comes across as more dumbfounding. Life is never what we expect. Both of their points are valid. I should stop thinking about how to fix the past and just accept it. Recognize what was done, what has been learned since, and do what it takes to make the best out of the future. Maybe that's what I've been doing this last month. Perhaps, just going with the flow, I've been doing that over these past few years. I have found myself walking a path I didn't really see laid before me clearly. The path is long, arduous, and welcoming.

Rarely do I find my self thinking positive. I know people have always found me, to their own dismay, pessimistic, but the truth is I've always held out for the better end of the deal. Lately I've not cared about the former. I have actually started to see the good in what is done, what can be done, and what will be. That's a comfort I can not simply explain.

This mindset has given me a great deal to think about, but mainly, it's give me the moments I can drift off and imagine her and smile. Fantasy is always a nice thing. However, on those rare occasions where fantasy becomes reality, have a game plan. That's what I do.

Ego's abound.

2009-08-30T05:59:34Z

To no surprise, I am an extremely egotistical person. I have one of the most dominating and opinionated ego's I've ever seen. I do, quite illustriously, believe myself to be more intelligent and better than most people. There are some, not many, people I could claim reign above me, but the people on that list have never been in the same building as me.

I don't know why this is this way. I know I'm certainly not out side of the average intelligence level, even if it's above-average. However, for some reason I cannot shake this overwhelming sense of superiority. What's even more strange is that it isn't an overall opinion. I don't find my self thinking I'm the most athletic or supremely prowess in every area. I just seem to constantly fall in to this mindset where I "get it" and no one else does.

Part of me cannot wait for upper level classes. I hope that I actually do find my self drowning in overwhelming waters. However, as of yet, school has been nothing more than a reminder that our education system is fucking failing fast. Literacy, comprehension, interpretation, expression, and analytical thinking all seem to be something lost, vacant, or no longer apart of the educational standard.

When your professor is referring to a study done a hundred years ago, what "your" mother went though in the army has nothing to do with the sort of affairs of military personal A HUNDRED FUCKING YEARS AGO. I know I'm not anymore special than anyone else, but I'm good god opinionated to death it seems. Despite the few qualities I do seemingly have in ample supply, my ability to really co-exists with people who are supposed to be in my "age group" seems to have diminished over the last few years.

A very specific Saga

2009-08-29T10:07:40Z

**Attention**
This was something I wrote. While the person I wrote it to is painfully obvious, there is nothing "emotional" about this. This is a work of complete truth. Painfully clear and utterly devoid of any offensive style content. The following is just a summation of what and who I am, how I honestly view things, and everything I am currently.

------------------------------------------

I think this is probably the best avenue I have to express some things without either taking up too much of your time on the phone or boring you to death. I know there is some degree in which I misrepresent myself. I'm probably not as bad off as I make myself out to be. I'm just bored out of my mind, and in that boredom, all I see is an endless sea of what I would much rather my life resemble. The truth of the matter is, I could easily make new friends. I could strive to overcome my situation and somehow create a solid foundation of a person out of what's left of me. However, I honestly see little to no use out of doing such a thing.

Often, I explain it in what I call a rational term of agreement. I realize that I have this desire in my life, and living that desire out will remove me from any connection I either create now or have from the past. James would chastise me, and he does, over such things. I believed for a long time that friends were the key to a successful or at least happy life. I have seen in the last several years, as I develop more as a person, that many of the foundations I took as concrete in this world were completely incorrect. Friends are nice and certainly provide that exit from the day to day routine in which we all be boggled down by. It seems however that it is that one specific person you share some form of intimacy with which really holds the stitches together. Somewhere along the way I had to come to grips with this and accept it. I certainly didn't do so willingly or easily.

I had a conversation with my father not too long ago. I asked him if he wasn't married what he would do with his free time. I think a part of me wanted to find one person who could actually somehow see the world through my eyes. He really didn't have an answer for me. We both agreed that at some point the easy and consistent paths, one usually takes to socialize, seem to disappear. You come to realize that people around you have all grown up. They are getting married, having children, working on their careers, and creating their own life outside of the usual "whose place are we hanging out at tonight." When I accepted that I was nearing the point in my life, perhaps past it, that this was my current position, I cried. I realized that I was the one left out. I realized that what I tried and failed at for several years passed me by, and the friends I turned to fell into that lifestyle I couldn't manage.

This is how I explained to James that the last few people around me were people I really didn't want around. When I mentioned Derek, James instantly knew and understood where I was going with my reasoning. He said, "It's like looking in a mirror of possibility isn't it? You realize that if you don't do something now, that is going to be you in a few years." James was just as potent as ever. It isn't that Derek is a specifically bad person; he just doesn't care enough to progress. I know I've been lazy in many different areas when it comes to taking care of me and my future. I then look at Derek and see how if I don't become more serious about doing so, I could certainly find me alone in my mid thirties alone and having nowhere to go with regards to changing it.

James and I have always had a knack of understanding each other in a way that either no one else ever has or just that little bit better than someone else. He and I may not see eye to eye on a subject, but we understand where the other comes from with respect to our reasons for coming to that specific outlook. Then there are also the times in which we do see eye to eye but get to the same end via completely different paths. The one thing he and I do see clearly is that we are running out of time. He and I have always been the sort to try and look at a situation, weight the likely-hood of all possible outcomes, vary the chances of each, and then succumb to that which is more probable. If things go well, I'll turn 30 a few weeks after I get done with my first degree. If things go well with him, he'll be 32. We recognize that nothing is certain, but there are the likely-hoods. In my situation, if lucky, I'll leave the year I graduate to teach in Japan for 1-5 years. I figure it's more like 2-3. If I don't find another job there, I'll most likely return to the states (Birmingham due to familiarity) and try to finish a second degree which should take about 2 years. So, under the assumption I don't stay in Japan, I'll return to this area around the age of 32-33, spend 2 years finishing another BA, and be 35'ish.

It doesn't sound too bad, but the simple education isn't what he and I are after. The down side to this is that we recognize that at that age our chances of creating a family are very slim. We both realize that we'd be lucky to be married by the time we're 40, and unless whoever we marry is younger, the chance of children significantly decreases. James isn't really in any different boat than me. He is planning on taking a position in France for a year or two working with a theater production after school. It's basically the Theater Arts version of the JET program that I plan on doing. James and I certainly know that nothing is certain or ever set in stone, but we can't help but face the reality of the odds against us. I know that it is extremely unlikely I'll get involved with anyone while I'm finishing up school down here. I can't really see me doing it. To be honest, neither can James for that matter. I'm still too bitter about my past and probably not at peace with most of it to do so anyway.

People have joked that there is always the chance of meeting someone while I'm in Japan, but I usually fall back on my same response of "I'd rather not get involved with someone because they want a visa." Which to be fair, that would be the single thing stabbing my brain the whole time any female over there showed any interest. Well, either that or the fact that they probably want to find someone to practice their English with. Seems that happens a great deal. Women come on to male ALT's with the single intention of practicing their English. I find that to be pretty funny actually. I would probably do the same thing so I could practice my conversational Japanese lol. I don't think even that fake relationship would last long. She'd want me to speak English, and I would be bitching about her not speaking Japanese. Ah man, it would be like dating Monica all over again. "Listen, could you please speak English? I don't speak stupid." Alas I digress.

I know none of this really has anything to do with you, but I wanted you to really know what makes me "me". Why that's important probably would make less sense. I guess, anymore, I feel the overwhelming desire or need to express why I'm not happy. I suppose it just no longer sits well with me for people who know me to always assume that I'm unhappy because I'm just an unhappy person. Perhaps that latter is true, but I would argue my case that there are reasons for it and that I honestly believe if certain aspects of my life were different, I wouldn't be that way anymore. However, it's like most things in life which present themselves as a challenge. Everything in my life I feel needs to be changed or rectified is not a simply task. Some of those things could or will take months too years to fix. Sadly, none of it happens to be a "weekend project." All the while I find me looking out a window wondering if it's worth it in the end anyway, given the slim chances I foresee.

Neko once said that I was "the most pessimistic person he ever met." I thought for a moment and then replied, "I'm actually offended by that. I'm not offended because you're wrong per say; I'm upset that you don't know the definition and meaning of optimistic and pessimistic to the point that you'd label me incorrectly." My point being that Neko is usually the grammar and definition Nazi of the group. I went on to explain, "I'm actually the most optimistic person I've ever met. Optimism is the view of holding out for positive no matter what, and that's what I do. If I were honestly a pessimistic person, especially with rationally dominate brain, I would have given up completely a while ago. Despite all the surmounting doubt, believing that it things aren't going to happen, and the overwhelming sense of unhappiness, I still get up every day and push forward hoping that it will all be worth it in the end. I can't guarantee it. I can only hope that it happens, and if I hope that it will happen despite everything else, than I am the most optimistic person I know. "

I even went so far as to look up the definition of the word "optimistic" and read it to him. It was one of the few times I honestly ever really put on over on Neko , and to be honest, it felt really good. I know what a lot of people have said about me over the years. Some of it was more than deserving, but there has always been a great deal of things I've kept to either just me or a very few selective people. In fact, in the last year or so I've become quite a bit more open about things more and more. I've opened up about the sexual abuse which happened with me when I was little, the physical abuse which went on with me, the violence, murder, and lies which surround my family, along with many other things. It used to be I'd tell one person one thing and another person another. I never confessed to anyone everything, and still haven't. I've just become more comfortable letting more than one skeleton out of the closet with any one person. Whether or not I ever fully open up to someone remains to be seen, but at least I've come farther in these last few years.

Maybe none of this was every my choice or anything I could control. A while back I had a complete breakdown to the point where I was on the phone with my father and calling any number I could to get me into some mental facility. It was the first time I ever felt that my father really took notice of how damaged I honestly am. It was also the only time I can remember in which my father actually acted in such a way which I could define as "accepting" of me. Dad said something to the effect of, "You're right. It really is no wonder you're this way. You've known nothing good in your entire life and there wasn't a choice in that with you." It was in that conversation which I honestly ever felt with my father that there was an underlying tone/conversation/statement being said that I've always wanted to hear him say. It was during that phone call which, in his own way, my father came across as if he knew he never did anything to protect me, not that the possibility was always there. But to me, I felt as if there was a final wall torn down in which he realized for the first time from my perspective how fucked everything had always been. In doing so, I believe he finally had respect for me. Not because I'm his son but because I never succumbed to all of it. Yes Sam, I have certainly done wrong by you and several other people please don't get what I'm saying wrong. I mean that I never gave in to heavy drugs or serious crime. I never went down the road that so many others do, some with less of a reason. And to be honest, I've often wondered how the hell I've survived. Sometimes I have a reason and sometimes I don't.

"There is always someone who has a worse life than you." I think that was the one phrase in which my father always justified things. And I believe at some point he realized his life led under that believe helped to create a life worse than his.

It's this life of mine, this tragedy which I have bared witness to, which makes me so miserable over you and others. When you ever realize that there were moments beyond your control in which impacted your life so deeply, leaving nothing but a wake of wanting and pain, you realize you never want to be that wreaking force on someone else. I feel and know to some degree, I have been such a force on you and others. It has made me wonder what my soul would look like. I know inside me there is an insurmountable amount of good intentions and positive desires, but it seems as if it is hidden deep or saturated in this dark mess.

This has been a stance of sorts for a long time. I've always looked at you and others with a raised eyebrow of confusion. I don't know why you want anything to do with me at all. I know in my heart I desire for certain reasons to be the case, but wishful thinking is a term coined for a reason. If my wishes aren't the reasons, I have no understanding where you are coming from. I generally take pride in understanding, to the best of my abilities and sometime beyond, where people are coming from. Be it a political, social, religious, or any other stance. Even in arguments, despite my brash behavior, I understand the logic which leads my opposition to where they stand. However, with you I just don't get it. If you still had feelings or if there was a desire to go down the same route that I wish then I could understand. However, for a long time with you it has always been this concept of fleeting moments, and that it just too far off from myself to the point where I can't grasp how decisions are made or formed.

I'm sorry that I've been so shut out at times. I've never expected you to understand how I can be so seemingly cold and heartless. I honestly hope you never do. I say that because in my mind, the only way for you to ever really understand that is to be in the position yourself. I can't wish that on anyone. It is a constant struggle every day to look at someone you care for and know you cannot touch them or hold them in the way your heart craves. It's as if being cut over and over again knowing that they are struggling and you either can't be the support they need or you are at the root of the blame. Likewise it's just had hard not being able to have them there to support and comfort you in the way you need them to be. It is a situation that causes indescribable anguish, and if there was a better way for those matters to be handled, I'm sorry I didn't find it.

As I told you on the phone, I took a great deal out of me not to run back there. I knew in my head it was a bad decision. I knew doing so would put us in the proximity to work on things, which would have solved one issue. However, not having a residence, not having a job, having to fight for tuition, and several other factors would have inevitably spilled over into the relationship. I knew that too well and it killed my heart to have to face that truth. I honestly believed that if I could find a way of overcoming those issues, you had the best possibility I'd ever come across of actually being there in the long run. One of the last times we spoke you mentioned you had finally warmed up to the idea of having children. I almost broke down and cried on the phone, almost as hard as I have to try while I write this. Deep down, I always knew that was an issue between the two of us, and hearing you had changed your position on it was just that extra slap my face that I couldn't handle.

I've never really known if you've honestly understood why I try to keep you at a distance. I know at times on the phone you seem as if you grasp it, but in the end statements are made by you which seem to contradict any sense of it. Perhaps it has been these last few years which have just weighed too heavily on me. I used to believe well enough was well enough. I believe I took actions in my past unknowingly that I would certainly do knowingly now. That's all gibberish until I put it into context. I can't be your friend. I can't be your friend for the reason of its absurdity. I don't think it is really a friendship when one of the members is doing everything they can to try and have a relationship with the other. As I said on the phone, we all think those stories are cute and romantic, even comical, on modern media, but in the end it's sad and painful, and eventually it becomes taxing on the one who is constantly being pursued. It's hard in my mind to really look at the two and say one is better than the other. Either sucks and doesn't really provide any happiness. Either someone is heart broken or another is abandoned. What fucking fun is that? I used to be the person who could possibly shut their mouth, but I can't anymore. I know that I'd chase you mercifully and problems would only compound. I would cross boundaries and violate comfort zones. It would be perceived as mean and thoughtless, fair enough. However, from my perspective of the matter, if there is something out there which someone thinks will make them happy, they should do everything in their power to obtain it. If a sacrifice is required or has to be made, maybe that is mine. The distance gives me just enough of a barrier from doing that. It provides me with enough space to realize that I could probably only cause more damage on you by doing so and with that regard, it is probably best to keep a distance.

That would be another line of logic James yells at me for. I understand his position. Logically, you can't build something without a foundation, and you can't know about the end product until that foundation has been made. Sometimes you create the basis and realize it won't work and thus a new design must be made. You'll learn that for sure in your business classes. While I understand that, I never side with it. I don't know why. I guess it's like the whole Derek thing. I'm just too scared to keep wasting time in my life on things which don't yield actual results, and because of that I've become too scared to take risks and thus can't build upon anything. Arguably though, I don't want to in a way. I'm not finished with certain other things yet to do so.

I know our entire history can be simply surmised as "tragic." I don't honestly believe that there was anything which could have ever been done. I put blame on me for not being more mature and choosing better decisions in many places, but I don't think in the long run there ever was a chance. I remember what the notion you made to me one day. You expressed to me that you were worried that I was going up and leave you. I was talking about teaching in Japan and places I'd like to move. I remember looking at you and realizing in my heart that you and I weren't like minded in certain freedoms of life. You were right; I was going to leave you one way or another. I want to teach in Japan desperately. By the time the opportunity finally presents its self, I'll have been waiting nearly 11 years to do so. I was always naïve to believe any relationship I had was going to survive that. I guess that's the one thing that has also held me back from really doing anything about you and I. I know there would always be a ticking clock above our heads, a countdown till the dissolution. I learned a long time ago, if you have a dream, you cannot give up that dream for another person. The person can go and then you are left alone and without your dream. You must chase after your dreams, and like children running though a park, you can only hope to pick up someone running in a similar direction.

I want to see you again, desperately I do. I have nothing to lie about anymore. There honestly is no reason I can ever foresee me to do so. I have nothing left. In a way, I was happy to leave three years ago. I was happy to escape on the notion that it might help me not only preserve what of me remained, but it may have also given me passage to rebuilding myself. In the end it didn't matter. I lost more by leaving than I might have destroyed by staying. Few moments in our lives pass us by in which we hold the only choice in a decision. So very few are ever ones we can look back on and know without any doubt were ones in which a different choice led to a completely different life. I have now have two. I have a certainty about me which leaves me with the knowledge that I'll never let go of the choices I made on those days.

Despite all of the shitty things that happened while I was growing up, it will forever be those two fucking choices which haunt and hold me down the most. I live with the ghosts of what could have been every day and it makes me a very unpleasant person I suppose, not that the average stranger would know. However, I always try to keep it close to my heart. I guess in my mind, it is a way of paying respect to that which was and is most important to me in my life. When Rachel asked me how I do what I do. How I live with so little connection and contact with others I told her it was easy. I have everyone in my head and in my heart. I have my lovers in my dreams and my days spent laughing in my mind. I have to because I don't have any other way of getting them back.

I'm sorry this was so long. I know a bunch of reading wasn't something you currently wanted. I hope it is as well written as I believe it to be. I don't know how much if anything you could really say about any of this. Perhaps it is just an act of desperation on my part, some attempt of trying to connect with someone again. I don't really know. To me you've never left. I don't joke when I say I live with ghosts.

How I kinda feel right now

2007-10-24T04:25:49Z

ここは雨の町かつては栄えた伝説の港町
今では廃墟が立ち並び小銭をせがむ者が溢れ

肌色ちがう学生が暮らす一軒の家に
住み着いて半年ばかり経ったある雨の日
しつこい鐘の音に起こされ歩いた
石畳の通りで二人を見つける

Walking in the rain I've been told today
never wanna see you again.
I feel like I'm still wet in this tiny room
why should I pretend to be high.
I walk to Green Fish to listen to the sound of silence.
A man who plays the harp gently shakes my hand
and he leads me in to the story of him.

聞きたい曲も見つからず向かった先は町外れのcafe
スープの匂いにケルトの音色に冷えた僕の心は溶け出す
丸みを帯びたハーブ弾きの老人の話に何度救われるのだろう
テーブルの上の新聞の見出しがなんとなく外を映し出すけど

I see you shouting and yelling and struggling
But I can't hear your voice
I see you shouting and yelling and struggling
But I can't feel the same

ここは雨の町かつては栄えた伝説の石の町
今では廃墟が立ち並び小銭をせがむ者が溢れ
もしも神がいるならばこの地に姿をみせなよ

Tid bits and snipits

2007-10-24T03:15:44Z

"oh god it feels so good scratching the underside of my dick."
It was true. It was really itching me. I hope this information helps you on the quest that is your life.

"Sweet you could use handcuffs with this one."
When shopping for a bed headboard it is very important to weed out the bad ones by using this very simple check list. "Are handcuffs an option Yes/No?"

"I'm not sitting close to you like a fag, I'm sitting close to you as if there was not much room and we were forced to be crushed together."
It is some times important to tear down someones slander with insane role play attempts. If you find your self being accused of caressing someones leg, simply explain you are practicing for undercover police frisking, ya know, incase you are ever in that line of work you want to be prepared.

"That's because I'm a thespian."
Probably one of the best answers in all existence to almost anything. The reason this is so good is because many people have heard the word, but don't know what it means or who the thespians were. This alows you to have a snappy comeback or snive remark at any turn which at most only 4% of the population can catch you on.

Old is new again

2007-09-27T06:43:28Z

It can be quite stunning how something from your past can sneek up on you some times. As of late I have been revisiting some long lost thoughts, emotions, music, and just over all interests. I'm not sure what brought it all on anymore then I'm aware of what caused them to become lost in the first place.

Perhaps the spark came from the advertisements that Bebop was returning to Cartoon network/Adult Swim. I hadn't really thought about the show for several years, but it struck a chord with me just about as deep as anything could get. For a long time that was something that only Nick and I really shared. I'm not trying to say that other people didn't like the show, or that I wasn't really aware how popular it was, more to the fact that Nick was the only one I ever talked with about it.

But just that one thing started me down a long line of "past". I really miss old times, times which I don't believe will ever be replaced. To be fair there hasn't been much in the last two years which I can look back on with a sense of nostolgia. Granted I miss going out to Icc and I miss our Wed. get togethers, but they were like how things used to be back in the day. I would go out on a limb and claim that my life started almost 6 years ago, and it seems like only a breath and they were gone.

Contemplating it all has caused a sense of longing however which hurts gravely. I've lost alot of people in these few years. And the more I look back, the more I come to the realization that I also lost my self as well. The whole matter is extremely annoying because I wish to beable to express the concepts and feelings, but I of all people fall at a complete lack of words on this matter. So the best way I know how to do it, is to just make a list of all the things I miss. From the people to the little daily activities which I took for granted... all the while thinking that normalcy was a definite.

**Long nights spent with James annoying the outcast by playing countless hours of Soul Calibur (the outcast usually being the "3rd" person as James and I are a danger if you have no back up)

**The cold winter days and nights at the arcade with friends and lovers

**Hours of ass beatings handed down from Randy, hand after hand in Magic

**Reading the lengthy emails from Mandy which were always a treat

**Long nights getting lost in one topic to the next with Nick

**Visiting Christian in his closet apartment at Rae's old place

**Doing I can't remember what with Wes till the early hours of the morning, and then the treasure hunt of surprises afterwards discovering what food he left the night before

**Just about anything with Neko, be it trips to Shnucks or attentively listening to his random quips and thoughts

**Driving the Eclipse, I miss that car so much

**The annual car rides to Acen with good friends

**What could probably be converted into weeks spent at Dennys doing nothing but taking up space and laughings with friends

**Not having the option to see people I should have seen more, be it Eesha Fred Rae Steve Paul or even Neko

**(laughs) My absolutely idiotic train wrecks which were my relationships ( Who remembers the almost broken hand incident? How about the broken katana? )

**(sadly) My papa bear, who despite everything, I deep down hope is doing well

**Those wonderful nights spent with the lurking phrase "Oh my god if anyone finds out I just fucked her." or the "Oh fuck I can't believe I did her again!" (Boy those were some really entertaining times. Just ask Wes and his 20min power nap before work)

**Nights out down at Richards with those whom I looked up to. Wes Nick Randy Dusty

**That first week with Jeanine and the month that followed. ( I don't know why this one gets me so badly but it does. That has to be the first and most likely only time thus far in my life where I not only felt alive, but like I existed as a common stupid young person. It was strange and unbelievably random, two quality's which will always turn me on)

**The cherished phrases of "Well its no Formula 51" and "Oooooooh! I'm so pissed." or even "I'm going to bed"

**The get togethers at Dusty's when times were better.

**SLAMERS! (I still wonder if he found them all before he moved or if he bs'd that one)

**The epic Ninja battle at Wes's expense (Most likely the cause of the epic Final Fantasy fight of 04)

**"Halo?"

**The weeks of awkwardness and fear that Eesh was going to kill me over Holly. (Screw you this is completely true. I was actually afraid there was going to be some ass whoopin because of this matter)

**And probably the thing I miss the most in a certain way, the long walks with James or Neko or both from the 313 to Neko's and back.

No no, hold the office wear please

2007-09-23T09:02:24Z

Have you ever voiced two completely separate thoughts consecutively and realized soon afterwards that they created a whole new world? If not let me give an example of what I was able to pull off... this is a true story as it just happened.

Be My Akuma: well if its any consolation your the best at intercourse I've had too
Be My Akuma: this stapler sucks
???????: what??lol
???????: did you realy just say that
Be My Akuma: yeah, but when re-reading that I realized it gives off the impression that I fuck office supplies, and that isn't the case, I just happened to be doing paper work at the time.

News news news cough

2007-09-22T08:39:52Z

Updates to those who pay attention....

Had oral surgery last week. Doing really well.

As of Sunday I will have been a non smoker for 1 month. My longest time yet. It's going pretty well, and while I know I could start again on an instant, I focus my self to not. I even go out side with mark on the occasion when he smokes just to fight the urge.

Derek and I picked up some Rollerblades tonight. Calendar shows about 8 years since I have bladed... Derek.... never. This will be a really rough, bruised, and painful weekend.

Checked flights for Mandy to come down for a visit. Wow, just fucking wow. Roundtrip for under 250, 4-6day stay. That blew my mind. I guess air fare really has dropped. Down side is the fact that neither of us have the money to book her flight. With me just getting out of surgery and just now getting back to full time hours at work, i'm broke and in debt to Derek.

The main thing Sam could say about the matter "Does she still say she crushes on u". I don't think she could be more transparent but thats not my problem lol. Though I did tell her that it didn't matter how Mandy felt, she would never act on it that I'm aware of.

Also talked to Derek and if things go seemingly correct we may come up for Acen next year, which reminds me... need to email brett. Should have done that last part a while ago anyway.

News out.

The termination of a deffinition thus defined

2007-09-22T08:32:04Z

That might just be the best subject tag line I have ever created.

The following will be "out there" and generally created for me to express words which I dare not voice though normal means. Often I find my self talking to people who aren't there, because I feel that in certain areas, I need as much practice for the real thing as possible. This may just be one of those times, or it could be festering which needs to be expunged. Whatever the case is it matters little, as always, I'm going to do what I wish. That after all was a decision I concluded to follow a while back.

--- Do you know how long it's been? Does it even come to mind? Part of me wishes it could confide with honesty that I haven't even notice the time go by, however not many would believe that. Certainly the days have passed and with each of them I have kept the separation and distance in mind. This is by far not a declaration of blame. If it were one could look no further then myself for the culprit. No it certainly isn't that. I would go out on a limb and suggest it is just the human need for acceptance creeping up on me. We aren't creatures of solitude. I don't believe we were ever created for a life of singularity, and in that rationalization, it would seem only logical that we fear being alone in thought just as strongly as the emptiness of single.

I wonder often about that encounter you in which you spoke. The situation makes me contemplate quite more then I would care to admit. I have noticed however, that with the passing of time, each example of those thoughts generates and ends with different results. While the term is pithy and extremely pungent, I could only describe it as "a decay." It sounds bleak I know, pardon me for my lack of a better idea, yet it is my blunt honesty which is often remembered.

I am fearful though. Please don't get the idea that I have grown completely unafraid. I am perhaps more fearful then ever actually. All the uncertainty still engulfs me with the same caliber of fear that it always has. I worry if the time comes for another face to face, well, I fear that I will most likely be quick to act harshly. It would be a defensive reaction, but it would be there none the less and it would be sadly well planed. Twisted as it may be I some how understand the concept well. All and all it makes me wonder if I should out right avoid the chance completely or possibly do something to prepare us both. But then again that could be one of the problems which has constantly lingered, me trying to take control.

"...the most vicious and vindictive" I couldn't ever argue such sound reasoning and flat out truth. I was too long in the "if it cuts, cut back deeper" mind set. Maybe I'm different, and then again maybe I'm not. I want to know, I want to believe I've accomplished want I needed, but I don't want to risk. All that is left is to lose self but I would rather keep that with denial.

In the day

2007-08-25T20:28:12Z

"Tell me all your thoughts on God?

"'Cause I would really like to meet her.

And ask her why we're who we are."

Intriguing how Diswalla playing over an alarm clock radio can remind you of such strange things. Be it the dream from the night before to the friend mocking you for liking the song long ago, you just never know what will trigger a wonder into memory.

I remember what was my one greatest disappointment/regret when I was young. Ironic that the same day such a thing would occur, I would also be gifted with what would be the biggest mystery as well. That one day would present me with the birth of my present being. My endless thoughts questioning people's decisions and actions, all of which spawned from the general curiosity of a child. *laughs* One could assume as I, that child never grew up did they?